3.5 star book review for, new contemporary, humortica novel from Amber L. Johnson—now available.
[Some Spoilers; For Mature Audiences]
My rating: 3.5 of 5 stars
Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of dramatic stories. Sure, there’s romance (a requirement for me), and the angsty, up-and-down plot developments are engaging, but I’ve needed some comedy to break things up. Just as I had the thought, For Authentication Purposes by Amber L. Johnson crossed my radar, and sounded right up my alley. I mean, when an author describes her novel as “humoritca,” there have to be some crazy shenanigans. You know I love my sexy times with a side of laughs, and once I started reading, the giggles didn’t stop. However, besides a humorous plot and quirky characters, there’s a real love story here—not necessarily between the main characters (although Bunny and Wardo have their romance), but Amber really honors and shows love to online reading/writing communities and fandoms. As a fangirl for life, I totally appreciate that. While the story is somewhat predictable, it’s also entertaining!
We begin with Dawn Sims and she’s having a bad day. She’s in the process of writing her first original novel and having some serious writer’s block. Dawn has had a lot of success writing with her online group, but for some reason she’s not able to bring that into this current story. In particular, she’s having trouble writing the sexy times scenes—cliches like “aroused flowers” and “fireworks” abound.
After deciding to give things a break, Dawn (working on her English degree) heads to night class, where she finds out her arch-nemesis Warner Green is now her lab partner. But the day takes an even worse turn when Warner reads her manuscript (without her permission!) and calls it awful! But apparently Warner isn’t one to offer critique without some constructive advice on how to fix things. Why is Dawn’s erotic romance so bad? Well, according to Warner, it’s because writers write know they know and she knows absolutely nothing about sex. But to him, there’s an easy solution: Warner will help Bunny do some one-on-one sexplorations, purely for research authentication purposes.
Dawn is a little hesitant—I mean, why does Warner think he’s some all-knowing sexpert? But the more she thinks about it, the prospects of having some fulfilling sex, even if it’s with Warner AND improve her writing are too much to pass up. But as Dawn and Warner begin their arrangement, an intimacy emerges between them that surprises her. Is it possible that the relationship that’s supposed to be purely for authentication purposes will become something more?
My favorite part of F.A.P. is Dawn/Bunny and Warner/Wardo’s relationship. They’re absolutely HILARIOUS together. I enjoy learning how they meet in high school, and while it’s love/lust/hormones at first sight for him, she’s pretty nervous with all that intensity. And after a completely botched Prom date, Dawn is pretty done with Warner’s ridiculousness. But once Warner sees a chance to get back on her radar and shares all he knows about physical pleasure, he’s determined to win her:
“I’d teach her the art of the orgasm. She’d beg me to go down on her. I’d wait until she asked for my cock, and I’d still hold out. But first we were going to a porn shop to buy her a vibrator.”
Let me tell you though, Warner is both knowledgeable and VERY skilled at putting what he knows to practice:
“It was sweet, that first kiss. Slow and soft, with our tongues barely touching…All my senses were on high alert as I melted into him, all caught up in the moment. It just felt so nice. Not just pleasant. Sweet and simple and lazy kisses that were making my insides turn to hot butter…”
“Overload. I was in overload and had barely been touched. He skimmed again and circled my entrance, letting me acclimate to the new sensation. And then, with gentle and firm pressure, looking over my shoulder the entire time, he slid some of it inside…kisses to my neck and shoulders were hot and wet, and I almost screamed when he bit down on my shoulder with the slightest pressure…my entire body went rigid, and the sound I let out was louder than the last one, a deep throaty cry that I couldn’t stop…”
“Each time he pushed all the way inside, the breath left my body. Each time he moved out, I almost wanted to cry. It was a cacophony of conflicting emotions, making me shiver and shake…”
This book is sexy, but as I’ve mentioned there’s a lot of quirky comedy too, particularly in the form of Bunny and Wardo’s friends, and includes things like “superman” references, fruit fly mating habits, furries, and fap-fap-fapping anime. It’s a mess, but I giggled a whole lot.
Things get a little serious when we discover how Warner gained his sexpertise, but just as he uses his skills to help Dawn out of a bind, she also relies on her abilities and connections to help him.
There aren’t necessarily any big surprises in terms of plot or character development, but if you’re in the mood for some silliness with funny banter and guaranteed sexiness, For Authentication Purposes is for you!
“Come on. Say it. I know where you’re going.”
Shifting a little to look at him, I resisted the urge to kick him in the nuts and lick his neck at the same time. I mean he looked pretty hot sitting in my chair eating that muffin. Stupid handsome face and fornication hair paired with what I assumed were dirty jeans and a plaid flannel.
“Fine. I’m going to buy a vibrator with the money you gave me. Happy?”
His smile was in full force now.
“Hell yeah, I’m happy. Ecstatic, even.”
He chewed around the pastry in his mouth and laughed.
“I’ll come with you to make sure you get the right one.”
“Oh, hell no. Being with you in a porn shop is on my list of Things to Never Do before I Die.”