Desna may have escaped the Dixie Mafia, but has she just traded one boss for another? Full recap of Claws‘ Season Finale, “Avalanche”, by @luvthispayne.
Well HELLLLLOOOOO y’all. I know this recap is mad late. I had to gather myself after that crazy ass finale. I just lay in my tears. Were they tears of laughter or tears of sorrow? IDK. But let’s talk about it.
When we left off, Roller was getting ready to send Desna into a permanent sleep when someone appeared and districted Roller. In this episode, we see that one of the Russian twins is actually alive!! Thank tiny sweet baby Jesus he is because he distracts Roller just long enough for Desna to take off running.
At the same time, Little Polly Pocket and crew have come to the location because Dean was tracking her phone. Dean is clearly the real MVP; he’s so damn smart. But did they arrive too late? Because when they get there they find a dead Russian and Desna’s phone but no Desna. Roller and the surviving twin are in a shootout when Desna happens to spot the van that has come to save her life. She does the only natural thing and that’s: RUN. Unfortunately, Roller spots the van too so Desna had to kick her running into high gear. SHE WAS RUN-ING. Forrest who? Desna was out there running like Usain Bolt. In. Heels. B*TCH you better!
When Desna gets in the van, between trying to regain the life she lost running the 4×100, she manages to mention that the Russians said they were going to go after Jenn’s kids. LAWWWWWDDDD. Not the black one please, she not even related to Roller nem. Anyway, they try to call Jenn and Bryce to warn them but neither of them picks up?! Of course they don’t, ugh they are just not dependable at all.
Fast forward and when learn why Jenn didn’t pick up and its because girlfriend was busy getting her toes curled and doing the vertical tango with Hank. Chile. I really can’t believe Jennifer wants to die this badly. She know Bryce ain’t stable, when he find out, he gone torch everything. Help me holy ghost, or whoever Hank worships cause they gone need it.
At She She’s Bryce and Uncle Daddy are still trying to get themselves together thanks to Bryce’s itty bitty mishap of killing their boss. Roller calls and lets them know that Bryce’s girls aren’t safe and they need to get to them ASAP. Well the girls aren’t with Jenn as Bryce thinks because she too busy tongue twirling with Hank. The girls are with Auntie Mama at her and Uncle Daddy’s place.
Uncle Daddy calls his wife and tells her to get the girls and get out NOW because they aren’t safe. They almost make it but damnit she forgot her wedding ring and so when the Russian mob is after her and the girls she brilliantly decides to leave the girls in the car alone while she runs back into the house. Have I mentioned before that I think all these damn people dumb? Of course when she gets into the house, a Russian hitman is waiting on her. But Auntie Mama ain’t going without a fight and she bashes his head clean in. I mean she is part Dixie Mafia! She murdered dude like a straight G but she paid with her life because while she’s scrambling homeboy’s brains, another assassin shoots her. Damn. Like. What. The. Hell.
Uncle Daddy and Bryce decide to go to the house because its taking her wayyyyyyy too long to get to She She’s. When they get there though, its a little too late. Auntie Mama is dying and Brienne is missing. Lawd. Of course they take the BLACK CHILD. UGHHHHHHHH. Also pour out a lil liquor for Auntie Mama, R.I.P. to a real one.
Meanwhile, Desna and crew have rallied back at her house to try and get their heads together. Desna finally comes clean to Dean about her and Virginia trying to kill Roller. Dean reads Desna for straight filth and tells her that she needs to make better life decisions. PREACH PASTOR DEAN! PREACH. “Stop making stupid life choices!” -Dean with a word for EVER. REE. BODY.
Bryce calls and lets everybody know that the Russians done got Brienne. Look, lil Polly Pocket responds “which one is that?” I really did holler out loud and yell at my tv. Why we gotta identify her as the black child. I hate everyone. Noticeably, Lusty Lucy aka Jenn is still nowhere to be found. But Virginia has become quite observant and mentions that Lusty Lucy been spending a lot of time with the good Rabbi. Umph. Desna goes to look for her and finds her with Hank who is shirtless looking like part of a snack. This some mess. Desna fills her in and they head to She She’s to meet up with everybody.
At She She’s and Uncle Daddy gets a call from Riva and she’s pissed that they’ve killed two of her men. She demands Roller’s head in exchange for Brienne and she wants Desna to deliver it. She also tells Uncle Daddy to ask about an Olga. Wayment, who is Olga?! Roller has to spill the beans and we learn that Olga is a 17 year old Russian girl he got pregnant; and she’s Riva’s neice. GOTDAMNITCANTKEEPITINYOPANTSROLLER. He is such a colossal screw up and I AM JUST ABOUT SICK OF HIM.
Since Roller is in such a divulging mood, Desna pushes his to tell Uncle Daddy about the money he been scheming from him and giving to Riva. Shit. But two can play that game because Roller reveals that Desna was the one that tried to kill him. Bloop.
Uncle Daddy goes innnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn and calls Roller a loser just like his Daddy. That was wildly hurtful man. All hell breaks loose and Roller and Bryce are fighting because Bryce blames Roller for “HIS” (come on now, we all know that Brienne ain’t Bryce child. Stop it.) daughter being kidnapped.
Uncle Daddy is trying to break it up/ slash fighting too while Desna and Toby with the new Titties sit and watch. Its HI-larious because Whitney Houston starts playing while they fighting. This is just a hot flaming pile of garbage. I’m here for it. Y’all as if this wasn’t dramatic enough, then all three of these dummies start sobbing uncontrollably. Like in a group huddle. Desna better then me, I would’ve left. Ain’t nobody got time for THIS!
They agree to send Desna to meet with Riva. When Desna arrives to Riva’s estate she sees Brienne who is being treated like a princess and is fine; FOR NOW. So they negotiate. Because everyone has a price. What’s Riva’s price? Well its a percentage of ALL Uncle Daddy’s businesses. 50% TO BE EXACT! But that 50% includes the salon which means Desna is right back where she started. Noooooooooooooooooooooo.
Desna has to go deliver the news to Uncle Daddy that she’s given away 50% of all his businesses and it doesn’t seem like its going to go well, but he actually handles it better than expected.
In between all this madness, Polly finds out that Marnie’s ( the teen girl that comes to hang with her when her mom is tripping) mom is trying to sell her off. W.T.F. Gwirl. Ain’t this some shit. So Polly Pocket who was about to get her back blown to smithereens by Dr. Keel Good has to put their love boat in park to go buy the child first. Now, Ken, Polly and Marnie are a FAMILY. Polly really just saved Marnie’s life Polly was dropping some gems to Marnie too. I think Marnie is gone be just fine. She in good hands.
The Crew reconvenes at She She’s to discuss how they gone handle Riva’s new terms and Uncle Daddy agrees because the thought of losing Brienne is just too much for him. His one condition, a sit down with Riva. Anybody else feel like this ain’t a good idea? Yep me three.
At Riva’s place, Uncle Daddy, Roller, Bryce, Desna, and Jenn go to handle business. When they get there though, Riva is having a weird ass old people party. I mean like geriatric nursing home senior dance. Riva like the snake she is, changes the deal and says she wants Roller now. WHAT. THE. HELL. GOING. ON. But at least Brienne is saved. Riva ole two timing son of a rat scratcher. Not only does she want Roller, but she demands 100% OF CLAY’S business. 100%. The paperwork comes out and Circus (the hillybilly from GA) joins the table and pulls a gun on Riva. Shit. SMART.
But waiiiiitttttt, Circus then turns his gun on Clay. LISTEN. I am ready to flip a table. This is insane. Everybody done lost they damn mind. AND I CAN’T. “Son of a syphilitic scumbag” lawwwwdd. Clay unhappy. But Clay is smart and brought Uncle Ken as backup, and they pull guns on Riva crew, but got damn got damn all these OLD ASS PEOPLE GOT GUNS TOO. Someone HELP!
Riva says everyone works for her now and baby she is right. She not so politely dismisses everyone except Desna so they can talk in private.
At Glint, the girls are preparing for their big opening of their new life at Glint.HOWEVER, the big caveat was that Desna has to go back to Nail Artisans to remain in business so she can wash the money for Riva! DAMN. DAMN. DAMN. DAMN. Desna offers the shop at Glint to Jenn who declines and tries to pass it to Little Polly Pocket but you know she declined and tried to pass it to Miss Ann which is a hilariously don’t think so, and Miss Ann offers it to Virginia who also declines. Looks like our girls are staying together after all but back at Nail Artisans. Le. Sigh.
Of course we didn’t escape this episode without TWO nuclear sized bomb shells.
First: Virginia is PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually think Desna may be happy about this but her and Dean aren’t exactly on good terms right now, so IDK. Virginia is not exactly known for making great decisions so I feel like she’s about to do something really stupid. I could be wrong, but I’m not.
Second: The Love Doctor is really the Drug Doctor. Who knew Dr. Ruval was a gotdamned King Pin. I gotta feeling he was using Desna and this is only going to get messier;especially now that Roller knows. Desna has terrible taste in men for the record.
Sigh, all that greatness and now we have to wait until a whole new season. How’d y’all like the finale? Let me know!
Ashley is a lawyer by day and a television, social media enthusiast by night. Catch her on twitter spreading black girl magic.